Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
