Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
