He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
