dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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