went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
