I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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