Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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