Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
