My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
