dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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