When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
