Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
