im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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