wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
