1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
