I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
