so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Im part way to drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
