Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
