I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
