Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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