dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You pole danced in your parka.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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