I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
