I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
