upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He shit in the fireplace
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
