He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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