I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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