If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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