Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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