If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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