I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
