hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
