Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
