She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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