I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
