she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
