I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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