THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
