dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The pigeons can smell the fear
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.