So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies