you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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