I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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