dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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