it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well I just put wine in my tea
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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