are you still at the devil's house?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
