I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he thought i was a dude.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.