the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
