it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
