I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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