If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
did i just pee glitter
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
