I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were destined to go to rehab together
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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