if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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