Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
