FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
