I just pynch a tree in the face
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
