someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
