he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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