don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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