Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
