hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
